The developers of Dwarf Fortress once made a comedy revolution sim, and it’s time for heads to roll once more.

Yanping Fulsome died a martyr. I met him in the park, just after I finished beating an amateur magician to death over his position on electoral reform, and our camaraderie was immediate and unwavering. His talent as a locksmith was invaluable, and together we were the voice and hands of the liberal revolution: a silver tongue and ten dexterous fingers, capable of winning almost anyone to our side and robbing the rest in the night.

But we got careless. Yanping got one on his left arm while he was robbing a downtown apartment block (liberally). An ultra-conservative construction worker had stayed home that day and disagreed when he noticed Yanping filling his pockets with jewelry and iPads. It was a matter of minutes before the DethSquad officers showed up.

(Image credit: Bay 12 / King Drake)

Neither Yanping’s 9mm pistol nor his bodyguard Rane (a black belt martial artist I flirted with so much that he committed to a life of terrorism) could stand up to them. Rane went down first, and Yanping, soft, soulful Yanping, wasted time dragging his body into the elevator before succumbing to his injuries, a button’s length from flight. I replaced him with a 46-year-old football coach named Donovan. Donovan sells pot brownies to further the cause instead of dying in an elevator shaft. In fact, we are making more money now.

We need a motto!

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